Why Don’t My Boundaries Work?
Leaving a relationship with a narcissist is never easy — especially when you’re dealing with a narcissist in a child custody situation or high-conflict divorce. It takes courage for someone dealing with abuse from a narcissist to finally enforce boundaries, but these boundaries don’t automatically work once you set them.
Judge Anthony says, “I hear it all the time. ‘Judge Anthony, I just left a relationship with a narcissist. I’ve set boundaries and the boundaries don’t work.’ They might continue to ramp up their anger or get more violent with you. Maybe they do things to push your buttons and make you upset.” Here’s how to make your boundaries stick with your narcissistic ex:
Realize Your Boundaries Aren’t For Them
The most important thing to realize is that the boundaries you set are not for them. You are never going to be able to control their behavior — the boundaries you set are for you to protect yourself and your peace.
This might be hard to hear: if the boundaries you set aren't working, it’s because you’re not strong enough yet. It’s difficult to come out of a narcissistic relationship where your confidence and self-worth were diminished and immediately bounce back.
If your boundaries aren’t working, it’s because you haven’t gotten to the place where you believe you’re truly worthy of peace and unconditional, healthy love. You do not believe how strong, capable, courageous, and independent you really are (yet).
You Need to Change Your Mindset
You need to shift your mindset for your boundaries to work. Your boundaries aren’t working for one reason: you continue to believe the bullshit story you’ve been telling yourself about why you are not worthy, courageous, strong, or lovable.
Judge Anthony says, “You need to stop telling yourself that bullshit story. The only way you’re going to stop doing that is by self-enrichment – by surrounding yourself with people who love you, support you, push you up, want to see you grow, and are happy for you. If you don’t have people in your life like that, start to educate yourself with podcasts and YouTube videos. Start following creators who really care about you and are trying to teach you.”
(Following Judge Anthony on TikTok, Instagram, or Facebook is a great place to start!)
You have more strength and power in you than you realize. Instead of placing all the guilt on yourself for staying in the relationship for as long as you did, it’s time to start patting yourself on the back. Give yourself a high-five because you got yourself out of a terrible situation.
Romantic relationships with a narcissist are one of the hardest relationships to leave because they destroy your self-worth and make you feel like you have nowhere else to go. News flash: you’re an amazing and capable human being who deserved a better life and chose to get the hell out. Start seeing yourself in that light.
It’s time to move forward, grow upward, and stop believing the bullshit story you’ve been telling yourself in your head. You can do it. You will do it. Today is the day. It starts now.
For extra assistance in your high conflict child custody battle or divorce case, consider one of Judge Anthony’s programs. Or you can register for his free masterclass, How To Beat A Narcissist In Custody Court So You Can Finally Get Some Peace.
